Happy 75th Birthday Roller Derby!

Dear Roller Derby,

You have given me the opportunity to learn that "can't" is no longer part of my vocabulary.  You have given me a family that I didn't know I had, sisters I didn't know I even wanted, friends I didn't even know could exist, and a wife (next week) that I never knew was out there somewhere.  You have made every muscle ache, every part of my being sore while you break me down to build me back up.  You have shown me amazing women whom I admire and look up to in ways I didn't even know.  You inspire me to get out of bed at odd hours to drive forever to dress like a hooker in front of hundreds.  You have shown me where the real parties are at. And in all of that, you have toned me, beaten me, and made me an amazingly stronger woman with confidence, pride and a great ass.

And all you ask in return, my dear Roller Derby, is that I give you more than my all, my blood, sweat and tears, and every bit of me.

In the end, you have made me part of something amazing- Roller Derby, and have created me, Slay D Bug.

Thank you, and Happy 75th Birthday, Roller Derby.

Bug

People often say

People often say that roller derby saved their soul.  Or saved their sanity.  It's better than a shrink.  Your second family.  I'm sure, if you have hung with derby girls long enough, or stalked the phenomenon that is roller derby, you have heard this at least once.  But until you feel it, experience what is the roller derby family, I don't know that it is something that can be understood.

Right now I am sitting at my cluttered desk with stats paperwork sitting at one elbow, trying to figure out how to get the scanner to work.  At the other elbow is paperwork to fight for child support.  There's penis candy (for work) and knitting supplies.  And a pink skeleton panda bear named ChungKee holding a ladybug engagement ring.  Those all define important things in my life right now.  But why a bear and a ring?  That's the important part.

Just over a week ago I got some really bad news about my mother.  Long story short, she had a valve replaced in her heart right around Christmas '09, and her heart has since then been getting worse.  Her Dr has now ordered a defibrillator to be put in, but things are just rough, and since my mom and I are close, it's hard on me.  After she told me I got really upset (duh).  I told the Mr, but he's a guy and wasn't as sensitive as I needed.  So I e-mailed my league, and just needed to pour my hurt out.

The overwhelming response is probably the only thing that got me through the night that night.  I was able to feel peace because I knew my derby family was there for me.  I had offers for wine and True Blood, talks, help with Caleb, and just love and understanding.  I fell asleep roughly, but knew there was peace to be found.  Most of the night was fitful, but every time I was awake enough for my eyes to open I would re-read my e-mails, and again would find peace.  They are saved in my phone, and still read them daily.  To know that your family is there, and loves you is a truly amazing feeling.

However, the next night was a practice night.  I wanted to stay home and mope, but Chuck told me (and she was right) that I needed to get out and to skate.  We started a drill, and I realized after a few mins that I had no clue what was going on (and was probably going to hurt myself or someone else due to my brain fog)... so I pulled myself to the sides and skated in circles.  And more circles.  I just lost myself in skating and turning.  No worries about anything, and I was able to actually clear my mind for the first time.  I worked a bit with the Fresh Meat, and I think they thought I was a little crazy.  Yes, I want out of the shallow end, but sometimes it's refreshing to help others.

During practice I still hurt, and once boogied to the ladies room to bawl.  Even though I know that any one of them would have been there for me when I was crying, that's still not something I can do in front of people.  But it was also the first time I had allowed myself to cry, and it truly washed away some of the hurt I was feeling.

Anyways... yes, my brain is meandering.  Practice was over and it was time for scrimmage.  I got everyone situated and DKB came up to me and handed me ChungKee and a card from the league.  During practice she got everyone (I think) to sign the card. You can tell how distracted I was, I didn't notice a THING!  That brought a new wave of tears, and my new bear and I went and did score keeping.  I felt like a kid, all night I held my bear (and took it to bed with me).  The night ended, and I got hugs, handed out flyers, and said my good nights.  I knew that I was going to be ok, and that I had an amazing family. 

Then Chuck came up to say good night (I thought).  She had something in her hand and said (not direct quote) "I know this is really bad timing, but will you be my derby wife?"

SQUEEEE!  Now for anyone who has paid attention, Chuck and I have become very good friends, and also are almost always together.  I screamed, knocked the (red with black spots) bow off the box and hugged her.  She handed me a black box, and inside, nestled in red velvet was the most amazing ring I have ever seen.  It is a red jewel that was painted to be a ladybug.  She made it (and the box) herself.  It is A-fuckin-mazing! But that's because she is amazing.  I've been agonizing about how to ask her to be my derby wife, but figured that she would think I was a dork and say no.  Apparently she thought the same thing.
 

I am very lucky.  I don't have a lot of "best friends".  But I can still remember the day we first talked (Bruised Boutique, she was buying wheels, I was buying... fishnets or duct tape or something silly like that).  I tried really hard to remember that her son had a volley ball game before practice so I could ask how it went at practice.  I thought she must hate me, I'm not cool enough, and she is an amazing skater (me, still working on it).  But I was trying really hard to make friends.  Ha!  Now she's going to be my wife!  And there will be a wedding... just not at a bout.  I'm so happy!

So, back to the point of this whole thing.  Yes, I joined roller derby with a family.  And family is very important.  But what I got from my derby family is something that can not be described.  They love me even though I'm not the best skater.  They encourage me, challenge me, and lift me up when I need it.  And when I needed it, they gave me something that I could not find by myself.  Peace.

Amazing growth- assessment time!

I started out skating with NHRD at an open skate in March.  I strapped on my hand-me-down skates and stumbled to the floor.  And stumbled.  And fell.  And fell.  And tripped and...  well you get the picture.  I didn't do much in the way of skating, hardly even standing up.  After about 1/2 a lap Gil T got her knee pads just so I wouldn't kill myself.  Sat me right down in the middle until she could pad me up.  I think if she had a huge roll of bubble wrap, she would have brought that too. She showed me 2 things that night.  First, that derby sisterly love is not reserved for best friends or people who have been around for a while.  She didn't even know my name, but she gave me encouragement to keep getting up.  Secondly, she showed me that I can get back up.  This was a very important lesson to learn VErY early on.  Even the best skaters fall.  And the worst fall a lot.

Come to find out that not only did she notice me, I drew a lot of laughs and "omgs!" from other skaters there.  No, I'm not surprised.  Most people didn't think I would come back.  Or that I'd probably kill myself.  But someone took the time to say you can do it, and I did.  My last lap around (lap is a very loose term) the rink that night I fell really hard and actually broke the boot off of my skate.  It had felt wobbly for a while, and I have a feeling a wheel or 2 (or 8!) were coming loose.  The skates sucked, and that didn't help my graceful entrance into the world of roller derby.  But I tried, and didn't give up.   The very next day I went to Bruised Boutique and got real skates, pads and needs.  I was going to start my journey.

Fast forward to May 5, 2010... assessments.  Going into it I knew I was not going to pass, but I still wanted to go out any give it my best shot.  I loaded up the family and took them to Roby Park to play and I started to strap on my skates.  I had done the skate clinic with Betty, and had cleaned up my bearings ahead of time.  I had the "I'm going to do great and surprise myself even if I don't pass attitude".  I went with my chin up and skated.  Empress and Betty were assessing us, and I wanted them to be proud of my progress.  We did laps and warmed up and then Empress had us come and stretch, while she talked to us.

First she had us remember a time when we did something and said WoW.  I had 2 good moments, and remembered those.  The first was one time in JFK when I was skating really fast and *almost* had my crossovers going, and I was just skating.  I was skating like it was a natural thing.  The other time was the practice that Monday night.  We had to do falls, one being the 180s, another the baseball slides.  Both are arch nemeses of mine because I don't have great core strength yet... and I have a hard time getting up.  But from tons of practice falling, I'm also learning how to get back up.  And all of the sudden not only was I doing the 2 well, I was getting back up.  The other thing she reminded us was that no babies were going to die because of our pass or fail, nor were new wars going to be started.  We were not going to be kicked out of roller derby, and people were going to still love us.

Ok now time to skate.  First we just skated, working on our crossovers. Those just elude me, right now.  Someday...  Next came stops and I did ok with those.  Still wish that plow stops were on the level 1 assessments, I rock those like nobody's business, but that just means I'm that much closer when I pass to go onto my level 2's.  I can do a T-stop well... I'm afraid I will hurt my skates with a toe stop.  Then came the squats (I know these are in the wrong order, but since you don't know :P)... propelling with all 8 on the floor while squatting.  I don't remember this at all, but I do know I suck at it.  I can do it upright, and I can skate squatting, but I can not skate, squat and have all 8 on the floor.  We dodged, and I did ok with that... not sure if I failed or passed, but I dodged and didn't hit anyone.  We did our slides.  I rock the 180s now, I can do the 1 knee and the rockstar slide, baseball I'm pretty good at.  And I CAN get up from those.  However, not sliding because of the concrete threw me right off my game.  Lastly, my arc nemesis- skating on one foot.  I just can not see to get the balance.  For my defense, I can not stand on one foot for long because I have no balanace.  Must work on that.  Assessments over, time to bring the family home and then get back to hear my results.

I came back just in time.  They started calling us over one at a time.  As Empress said from the start, there really will not be any surprises, and nope, I wasn't surprised.  But I wanted to cry.  Not because of discouragement.  I wasn't discouraged at all.  I skated my best, and I proved a few things to myself.  First off- I can skate.  And I'm growing as a skater.  Read back- when I started in MARCH I could not even stand up.  Trixie always yelled at me to bend my knees (in a great sisterly kind of way).  I had bruises on my ass and my knees all the time.  I was scared.  Fast forward to MAY- 2 months later, and I was confident enough to take my assessments.  I grew.  I skated, and I *think* (ok I know) that I showed Betty and Empress that they do have a good skater in the making.  I cride because I'm proud, and I think I shined a little bit, even in my lack of passing.

Not passing isn't failing- it's getting more time to fine tune and spend more time in the nest with Betty.  I have goals- one being to pass BEFORE the next fresh meat group comes in.  I think it's possible.  Just need to spend more time on my skates, and PUSH PUSH PUSH.

Smile.

P.S. - I have a skater name (pending twoevils.org)  I am now Slay D Bug- 68 proof.  Aka Bug.

Sometimes I fail- Practice 6

Sometimes derby is going to kick you in the ass.  I know this.  However, it's not fun when it does.  I'm not going to pout, but I do need to make sure that I don't just track my progress and such, but also my fall downs.  I can't pep talk myself unless I see both my good and bads.

I started out the night thinking that everyone was having a bad day, and I was hoping their karma didn't rub off to badly.  We had a guest coach, and I was stoked to learn from someone new.  We started off with jogging and jogging and all that fun stuff (thank GOD for a sports bra), and although I'm not the fastest, I did it.  Then we did this weird stretch that I just could not get my mind around.  Note to self- figure it out!  After we got our skates on and started sprints.  I was doing good until someone fell and someone else got in front of me and slowed down.  I thought it was the start of the pack, so I followed her.  Then I got booted!  I know, if you are going to slowly then you need to go to the outside so you and others don't get hurt.  And I know I should have spoken up if I didn't want to be booted, since I was doing ok.  I CAN NOT expect someone to know what all 60 women are doing.  Instead I got into a funk and skated to the sides. 

Later we worked on things for our assessments.  I was in such a funk from before that I just kept screwing up, causing a bigger funk.  At one time I was in tears because I felt like I just couldn't do it.  I ended the night badly, and went home.  On the way home a derby announcer posted this on his FB page-  The Reverend Al Mighty “Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

I need to remember that I'm not always going to get it.  I'm not always going to kick ass, even if it's just my own ass.  But what I do need to remember is that true strength is holding it together and keep going.  Chin up and keep trying. 

Between a phone call from a dear friend, popcorn and a date with the green fairy, I got myself together.  I know I'm going to have bad nights.  I've seen even the most amazing skaters have boo nights.  No one is perfect, especially not me.  But what I need to remember is nothing is personal, and if I'm taken off of things, it's for a reason.  And I need to step up my game, not just pout.  I'll get there.

Jelly Legs- Endurance, pratice 5

I've been dreading endurance week since I first heard of it.  It's not that I'm not in shape, but let's face it, I have some extra baggage on me.  And I'm not in great shape.  So when I heard that there were practices with plyometrics and endurance marathons, I wanted to cry... well after I figured out what the fox a plyometric was. 

But I went, water bottles full, and sneakers on.  I figured if I died then I wouldn't need to worry about my pending birthday.  Or rent. 

And let me tell you, I now have a love hate relationship with plymetrics, and also our "drill mistress" Tank.  She kicked my ass but I felt good.  I learned that I can not do walking lunges gracefully.  Just can not do it.  Kept falling.  (yes, strengthen my core).  And also I re-confirmed that jumping jacks and F-cups were not made to be in the same sentence.  However, I learned that I can do squats and crazy ass sit ups with my feet in the air, and I can even kinda sorta do a push-up.  I also learned that I have the ability to push myself.  If I can walk 60 miles for breast cancer, I can do some push-ups when I'm tired.  So I went home, wrote down everything that my muddy brain remembered, and I'm going to make sure that on non-endurance weeks, I do them twice a week, as well as adding yoga to my day twice a week.  I NEED TO STRENGTHEN MY CORE!

After kicking my ass we did 2 drills with our skater sisters, and WooT! my sister was there.  So Trixie and I started by doing C-swoops.  First I just kinda fumbled.  But I kept watching her.  And then trying.  And putting my now sore ass into it.  And I got it!  Then we did scissor sisters, where one of us would swoop in front of or behind the other, and we would try to skate as close as possible kinda cutting each other off.  When Tank first showed us I laughed.  All I could think was  I'm going to kill Trixie and get kicked off the league.  However, I did it.  And when I cramped up, I skated harder until the cramp went away.  

I have found that although I am not able to skate like a seasoned derby vet, when someone shows us a new move, I am able to get my body to start doing it.  Muscle memory is important, and with practice I will do it better, smoother, and pass my assessment.  But before I can get better, I have to do it.  And I feel like I am at least getting it.  Realizing this makes me very proud.

I did loosen my trucks a little tiny bit, but I don't know if it was jello legs or loosened trucks that made me feel smoother.  More practice, and next non-endurance I will loosen a tiny bit more.

And on top of a kick ass evening, during scrimmage I did a squat to look at something and pulled my groin.  Fortunately, it wasn't a bad pull, and by morning I was sore enough all over that I couldn't figure out where my groin was anymore.

I can... skate wicked fast? Practice 4

Thursday night brought me back to where I love to skate.  JFK has floors without divots, tape or strange bumps.  I feel like when I'm at Roller Kingdom if I push I'm going to be ass over tea kettle... so yeah, I LOVE JFK!

Before practice I tried to re-lace my skates so that I would have room in my toe box and my foot top where all the nerves are.  I think I need to tighten what isn't loosened,  however, it felt soooo damn good to feel my feet for the whole practice!  We are getting there, and all it took was a little "you can do it" from Betty!  Woot.

However, once I got to practice, I felt like I missed the memo and it was really endurance week.  I'm still trying to figure out how to skate in the other direction... so that started my ass kicking for the night.  Then we did knee drops.  The theory behind that is that while skating you can drop to one knee, and then get right back up and keep going.  Every time I dropped my knee pads would wiggle and then I would face plant.  So I tightened them.  Still no getting back up for me!  Finally I was told to just do picking up my feet on the whistle.  Still not comfy with that, but when the end of that torture was done, I did better at skating on one foot!  More practice will equal more confidence.  Once during our skating I did a really great fall- on my hands and knees, but I got up almost without taking a breath and kept on going.  I'm also starting to understand crossovers, when I'm moving at least.  And I realized that when I'm told to go I'm now starting to push off with my toes first, which gives me an extra boost.

And then the highlight of my night.  Maybe even the highlight of my derby career thus far... maybe.  We were told to find our sisters... mine was MIA, so I got adopted by N. Raging Grace.  She is my new hero!  We did pushes (maybe called shopping cart pushes??).  I got into derby stance, and she started to push me.  Now, when I'm pushing, I can skate kinda fastish.  She put her hand on my butt and showed me that I'm about as fast as a slug... by pushing me faster.  My job was to drive us, she pushed.  I started to have to worry about other people, making sure we were not hitting others or skating into them or anything.  She pushed.  FAST!  Holy FUCK ME!  This is better than any vice ever.  Better than roller coasters or speeding or sex or... well you get it... skating fast rocked my world!  And then I pushed her.  :(  Not so rocking, but I'll get there.  And I've decided to *gasp!* loosen my trucks a little.  I think that will help.

We did other things with the "big girls" like plow stops, and such, and then went off to be fresh meat.  We learned more on T-stops (hey, I'm getting it!!), and plow stops, and I finally go the hang of sticky skates, where you skate with all 8 wheels on the floor.  Then we did some actual derby drills.  We skated in a pack, where you have to be touching 2 people at all time, and Ivanna would shout a name and tell us to move through the pack to the front or back.  Then we did 3 at a time and learned how to fill empty spots.  The last part of practice I felt Caleb could have done better, but I tried.  We did hops.  First just bunny hops, and then dolly hops.  I can hop without falling, but as Dave pointed out, I'm not hopping far or high... so I'm really not succeeding all that much.  :(  After practice Helen taught us how to do stats, which was really good to learn, and also helps with learning the game.

I hope to have my stops mastered within another week.  I think I can do that.  And still working on derby stance.  That's one of my nemesis... when I'm in derby stance my upper bum hurts.  I need to work on my core.  Going to do some home exercises starting now...  I need to start strengthening my core!

Why I love my derby family- fundraiser and Practice #3

Yes, I'm slow at posting.  Such is life.  But the good news is today is a 2-fer!

First a little background.  When I first told my family I was going to join Roller Derby, it was not met well.  Reasons not important, but we didn't see eye to eye.  (Well except my bro, who knew?)  So I thought if I invited my dad to the season opener kick off party fundraiser he might feel a little better about his little girl joining.  I met him at Penuchies, semi decked out in my finest, and we had a beer and he talked to people. 

We stayed about an hour, and as we were leaving Hazel asked my dad how he felt about me joining.  I know part of why he's scared is because he used to watch roller derby when he was young... and that shite was scary!  I was so touched that someone would take the time to ask him, and what he said had me almost in tears, and flying!  Because I have a kick ass derby family.  He said "when she first told me I was scared, and I still am.  But meeting the people she is skating with has shown me why she wants to join, and that she is with good people, and I support her." (not verbatim, but you get the gist).  To every single person who took the time to say hello, or tell him I'm doing good, or even just "she'll be ok" (thank you Woody!!)... Thank you.  Driving me home he asked if he would be "Papa insert nickname here".  Yes dad, you will be.

Then we swapped off little man and my man and I got to party all evening.  If you say party like a rock star... you are not partying enough.  Party with the NH Roller Derby, and you will see a good fun time.  And great job fundraising too!  Everything from arm wrestling to dancing and pool and (thank you Sin D...) a leg wrestling match between me and my sister Trixie.  LoL, I can not wait for a re-match... not on a dirty bar floor.  Great times!  Only time my man got mad was when another guy bought me (and him) a drink!  Oh well, he's gotta get used to people being fans of derby girls!  But I have to say, I LOVE MY FAMILY!!

Now onto my third practice. 

We started with warm-ups.  I love them, except when we skate in the other direction.  But I'm getting it, and I really enjoy being loose.  Still don't know all the calls, but hey.  Then we did "Skater Sister Says".  Trixie was still getting into gear so I got teamed up with Empress.  People were doing stuff like push-ups and running in place and stuff... OMG!  But she was so sweet, and took the time to do "baby" stuff.  Which I'm doing at home when the boys are not around.  I'll get it, and it gave me some things to work on at home.  She did tell me to pull my toe stops in a little more...

Then practice with slides and stops.  We did 180 turns, where you fall on one knee and then do an about face.  Or in my case, a face plant.  I can go about 20 degrees... Gotta work on that. We did rock-star slides, which I can do, but I am not confident enough to speed up into it.  And knee slides.  I'm ok.  Enh.

Stops though, I had a break through.  I realized in the first practice I didn't actually ever get to do the plow stop... too many people and we moved on before I did it.  I'm slo-ooo-wly mastering the T stop, and I'm doing ok with the toe stop... but I had never done the plow stop (see image below of the blue pivot).

But hey, one try and I think I GOT IT!  I felt really confident in it, and as I sped up, I was still able to slow considerably without worries. 

However, I'm still not comfy with being on one foot at all.  Makes me want to cry, I just can not do it for more than a nano second right now.  So the next parts were hard.  We couldn't skate the diamond if we didn't know how to do crossovers... so we did other exercises.  I'm kinda getting "walking" in my skates.  To the left, and right and front and back, without the wheels moving.  Practicing it more.  Also walking up my stairs sideways (not with skates!) to get my legs doing the crossover motion.  But I think that's going to be a thorn in my side.  Also, we walked on our toestops.  Sin D. told me I needed to lower my toe stops.  (ok, who do I listen to, I was told to lower and raise in the same night!)  I had to stop doing that, as my toes were numb and my body was just numb.

I'm doing better.  I will do better.  I want to learn some exercises to strengthen my core... and my balance.  I did re-lace my skates so they are more open in my toes and on my arch top where my nerves are.  We shall see tonight how they do.  Back to JFK tonight, I love it there.  My confidence is so much better there. 

AND LASTLY- I am going to be the mascot for the Queen City Cherry Bombs!  All Hail the Queen that is me!  Just gotta come up with an awesome outfit to go with a crown, scepter, cape and red and black boa!  I love to rock boas!  And I feel so honored.