People often say

People often say that roller derby saved their soul.  Or saved their sanity.  It's better than a shrink.  Your second family.  I'm sure, if you have hung with derby girls long enough, or stalked the phenomenon that is roller derby, you have heard this at least once.  But until you feel it, experience what is the roller derby family, I don't know that it is something that can be understood.

Right now I am sitting at my cluttered desk with stats paperwork sitting at one elbow, trying to figure out how to get the scanner to work.  At the other elbow is paperwork to fight for child support.  There's penis candy (for work) and knitting supplies.  And a pink skeleton panda bear named ChungKee holding a ladybug engagement ring.  Those all define important things in my life right now.  But why a bear and a ring?  That's the important part.

Just over a week ago I got some really bad news about my mother.  Long story short, she had a valve replaced in her heart right around Christmas '09, and her heart has since then been getting worse.  Her Dr has now ordered a defibrillator to be put in, but things are just rough, and since my mom and I are close, it's hard on me.  After she told me I got really upset (duh).  I told the Mr, but he's a guy and wasn't as sensitive as I needed.  So I e-mailed my league, and just needed to pour my hurt out.

The overwhelming response is probably the only thing that got me through the night that night.  I was able to feel peace because I knew my derby family was there for me.  I had offers for wine and True Blood, talks, help with Caleb, and just love and understanding.  I fell asleep roughly, but knew there was peace to be found.  Most of the night was fitful, but every time I was awake enough for my eyes to open I would re-read my e-mails, and again would find peace.  They are saved in my phone, and still read them daily.  To know that your family is there, and loves you is a truly amazing feeling.

However, the next night was a practice night.  I wanted to stay home and mope, but Chuck told me (and she was right) that I needed to get out and to skate.  We started a drill, and I realized after a few mins that I had no clue what was going on (and was probably going to hurt myself or someone else due to my brain fog)... so I pulled myself to the sides and skated in circles.  And more circles.  I just lost myself in skating and turning.  No worries about anything, and I was able to actually clear my mind for the first time.  I worked a bit with the Fresh Meat, and I think they thought I was a little crazy.  Yes, I want out of the shallow end, but sometimes it's refreshing to help others.

During practice I still hurt, and once boogied to the ladies room to bawl.  Even though I know that any one of them would have been there for me when I was crying, that's still not something I can do in front of people.  But it was also the first time I had allowed myself to cry, and it truly washed away some of the hurt I was feeling.

Anyways... yes, my brain is meandering.  Practice was over and it was time for scrimmage.  I got everyone situated and DKB came up to me and handed me ChungKee and a card from the league.  During practice she got everyone (I think) to sign the card. You can tell how distracted I was, I didn't notice a THING!  That brought a new wave of tears, and my new bear and I went and did score keeping.  I felt like a kid, all night I held my bear (and took it to bed with me).  The night ended, and I got hugs, handed out flyers, and said my good nights.  I knew that I was going to be ok, and that I had an amazing family. 

Then Chuck came up to say good night (I thought).  She had something in her hand and said (not direct quote) "I know this is really bad timing, but will you be my derby wife?"

SQUEEEE!  Now for anyone who has paid attention, Chuck and I have become very good friends, and also are almost always together.  I screamed, knocked the (red with black spots) bow off the box and hugged her.  She handed me a black box, and inside, nestled in red velvet was the most amazing ring I have ever seen.  It is a red jewel that was painted to be a ladybug.  She made it (and the box) herself.  It is A-fuckin-mazing! But that's because she is amazing.  I've been agonizing about how to ask her to be my derby wife, but figured that she would think I was a dork and say no.  Apparently she thought the same thing.
 

I am very lucky.  I don't have a lot of "best friends".  But I can still remember the day we first talked (Bruised Boutique, she was buying wheels, I was buying... fishnets or duct tape or something silly like that).  I tried really hard to remember that her son had a volley ball game before practice so I could ask how it went at practice.  I thought she must hate me, I'm not cool enough, and she is an amazing skater (me, still working on it).  But I was trying really hard to make friends.  Ha!  Now she's going to be my wife!  And there will be a wedding... just not at a bout.  I'm so happy!

So, back to the point of this whole thing.  Yes, I joined roller derby with a family.  And family is very important.  But what I got from my derby family is something that can not be described.  They love me even though I'm not the best skater.  They encourage me, challenge me, and lift me up when I need it.  And when I needed it, they gave me something that I could not find by myself.  Peace.